Finding Love After Loss
- Allison Holker, 36, widow of beloved ‘Ellen Degeneres Show’ DJ Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss, has cautiously teased a potential new love as fans support the mother of three to move forward.
- Boss died from suicide on December 13, 2022 at 40 years old, shocking millions of fans around the world. His tragic death shined a major light on mental health in America, as the always smiling and upbeat hip hop dancer, choreographer and actor, according to loved ones, never showed one sign of depression.
- Grief is complex — there are many stages. And it often never goes away. But know that you can still find happiness and live a full live, honoring your loved one in every moment. Make sure to reach out to a mental health professional if you are struggling with feelings of loss. It can get better.
- Our mental health can affect how we think, feel, and behave. Certain triggers like stress, traumatic events, or change in your physical health can affect mental health. It’s really important to keep tabs on your mental health and, if necessary, seek treatment. Please check out SurvivorNet’s mental health guide for resources to help you on your way.
Boss died from suicide on December 13, 2022 at 40 years old, shocking millions of fans around the world. His tragic death shined a major light on mental health in America, as the always smiling and upbeat hip hop dancer, choreographer and actor, according to loved ones, never showed one sign of depression.
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“Wishing you so much happiness,” said reality star Chrishell Stause. Holker replied, “Thanks love,” with more hearts.
“WE LOVE A SOFT LAUNCH,” another fan expressed, referencing the popular social media phrase when someone teases a new relationship or product online without fully divulging the full details.
A third supporter shared, “Everyone deserves another love chance.”
After news broke of her husband’s death, Holker shared the following words as a tribute:
“Stephen lit up every room he stepped into. He valued family, friends and community above all else and leading with love and light was everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father, and an inspiration to his fans.”
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“To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt,” she continued. “I am certain there won’t be a day that goes by that we won’t honor his memory.”
Moving Forward After Loss
After losing a loved one, many survivors say they experience some guilt for moving on with life, finding joy and happiness, and/or moving on with a new partner. Just know that it is still possible to move forward and continue enjoying life. While the grief will always be there, it is possible to love and honor your late love while finding love with someone else.
While working through grief and vulnerable tackling of the emotions that accompany it, some find tools like therapy to be helpful. Support groups can also be a benefit for those who are feeling isolated in their feelings of grief. Faith can also be a powerful coping mechanism for some.
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Whichever methods of support you look for after cancer loss, you should know that there is no correct way to grieve. There is no perfect timeline for grieving, either.
Grief after loss or processing a difficult diagnosis
“Grief comes in waves,” says Dr. Scott Irwin, a psychiatrist and Director of Supportive Care Services at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. “They’re grieving the change in their life, the future they had imagined is now different.”
Some days can be tougher than others, but Dr. Irwin says talk therapy is helpful so it’s important to reach out to your doctor, to a therapist or to support groups in your community.
“Grief never ends .. but every season of challenge has an expiration date. Keep believing and keep dancing through,” Holker wrote on Instagram in December.
Dr. Dana Chase, an oncologist who advocates for prioritizing mental health says that doing things that bring you joy is important. She recommends writing down ten things that make you happy and intentionally making the time to do those activities throughout the day.
“So, working on your emotional health, your physical well-being, your social environment [and] your emotional well-being are important and can impact your survival.”
Struggling Mentally Is Not the Same for Everyone
Struggling mentally does not look the same for everyone. Some people may be very high-functioning, while others show clear signs that indicate depression. Sometimes, perhaps after a particularly stressful life event, people may begin feeling anger that seems irrational or uncharacteristic.
Dr. William Breitbart, chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, says that when he sees patients dealing with some sort of life-changing or even life-threatening challenge, they may turn to anger as a way to cope.
“One gets angry because one hasn’t quite achieved and fulfilled the tasks that they set out for their lives and the responsibilities that they’ve committed to fulfill,” Dr. Breitbart explains. Treatment may involve speaking with a professional and trying to come up with ways to achieve those goals. However, Dr. Breitbart notes that guiding these patients to accept their own vulnerability is also crucial.
“The last resort of relieving existential guilt is this act of being able to forgive yourself for being a human being that is vulnerable and susceptible to not being able to fulfill their full potential. So, it’s forgiveness ultimately,” he explains.
For some people, there may even be a sense of shame or guilt involved in seeking mental health treatment in the first place. However, there’s nothing to be ashamed of and it is important to realize you are not alone. In fact, the CDC reports that according to a 2020 survey, more than 20% of American adults said they sought out mental health treatment over that past year. Among those people, 16.5% said they had taken some sort of medication for their mental health and 10.1% said they had received counseling or therapy.
Taking Care of Your Mental Health: Checking In with Yourself
Taking care of your mental health is of the utmost importance, but it’s not always easy.
One place to start is to be aware of the following signs that there may be something affecting your mind:
- A change in eating or sleeping habits
- Losing interest in people or usual activities
- Experiencing little or no energy
- Numb and/or hopeless feelings
- Turning to drinking or drugs more than usual
- Non-typical angry, upset or on-edge feelings
- Yelling/fighting with loved ones
- Experiencing mood swings
- Intrusive thoughts
- Trouble getting through daily tasks
Symptoms of a mental health disease or issue can vary from person to person, so it’s always crucial to promptly speak with a healthcare provider if you’re experiencing any changes to your physical or mental health. There are many treatment options available and many different healthy ways to help you cope.
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