It’s hardly surprising that some people become tongue-tied when speaking with cancer survivors, worried they’ll say the wrong thing, or not offer the needed comfort or support. But what might come as surprise is the amount of survivors who say that people they were close to stopped speaking to them altogether after they were diagnosed.
“Ghosting” — or the process of cutting ties with someone suddenly and with no explanation — is apparently prevalent in the cancer community.
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“I very quickly learned who was really there in my life and who was just kind of on the outskirts of it when it was good for them or convenient for them,” she told SurvivorNet. “And it cut right through to the people that are most important in my life. Every single person that I’ve talked to and that I know who had cancer says the exact same thing … it really shows you who your tru -blue friends are that are around you and who the bullshitters are.”
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Bianca Muniz, who at 24 years has already been through both ovarian and breast cancer, told SurvivorNet that some of her friendships ended because certain people just couldn’t understand what she was going through.
Bianca Muniz admits she lost some friends after her second cancer diagnosis
“I’ve lost a lot of friends … because people don’t really know how to deal with what I’m going through,” she told SurvivorNet. “I didn’t care to talk about what was happening with me. I just wanted things to be normal — and they didn’t really understand how to do that.”
Bianca said that for her, the best way to find support was to reach out online to others who had been through similar situations. She was able to find a group, called “The Breasties,” of women who had been through things like breast cancer — and was able to find the support she couldn’t get from her other friends there.
Cancer and Friendship Is Complicated
The reason for the ghosting is complicated. People may be scared to get close to someone who is sick, or afraid they’ll say the wrong thing, or just think worrying about another person’s health is too much for them. Whatever the reason, if you want to be there for someone who has cancer, survivors often tell us the best thing you can do is just try to be cognizant of what they need. After all, cancer survivors don’t always want to talk about cancer.
That’s one of the messages survivor Kate Bowler, who was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer at age 35, shared with us in a recent interview.
Colon cancer survivor Kate Bowler on cancer’s language problem
“I wish people knew that I never expect them to have the right thing to say," she said. “And while someone may be sick, that’s only one part of their life … there are still many others.”
“Sometimes I'll want to talk about [cancer], but mostly I'll just want to talk about the next season of 'The Bachelor,’" Kate added.
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