Staying Hopeful Through Health Challenges
- Hoda Kotb, a 59-year-old breast cancer survivor, mom of two, and TV personality, has a four-year-old daughter dealing with a major health crisis, since last year, but she’s since remained hopeful and strives to keep life “normal” amid adversity.
- Kotb opened up for the first time about her daughter undisclosed health issue, admitting “things have stabilized” since last year when her daughter home was admitted into the ICU and spend more than a week in the hospital.
- Feelings of “helplessness, lack of control, guilt, anger, embarrassment” are some common emotions for parents, siblings, and other relatives within the household of someone battling a health condition, according to researchers.
- Kotb battled breast cancer in 2007 and has said she is now cancer free after a mastectomy and medication.
The broadcast journalist, TV personality, and author, has battled breast cancer, been through divorce, and has health with a child’s major health issue, all while continuing to show up to work and be on TV every morning.
Read MoreLast year, Kotb’s youngest child fell ill with an undisclosed medical condition that landed her in the ICU.View this post on Instagram
Kotb, mom to her two adopted daughters, 7-year-old Haley and 4-year-old Hope, both who she shares with her ex-fiance, financier Joel Schiffman, opened up to People in an recent interview about her daughter’s medical hospital which left her in the ICU for a few days and in the hospital for more than a week. It was a time which Kotb had to take off two weeks from work.
She told People in the exclusive interview, “We had a scary stretch. Any parent who’s been through a scary thing with their child understands.
“It’s like you just can’t believe that your child’s sick. You can’t believe that there’s nothing you can do. You can’t believe that no matter what you do, you can’t will it away or protect her, or all the things that we’re supposed to be doing as parents. And it’s a position I’ve never found myself in.”
Kotb hasn’t revealed the specifics of her daughter’s health crisis, but she did note her daughter’s health is being managed long-term.
However, she did say that months after learning of her daughter’s health issue, “things have stabilized.”
Kotb, who said she’s hired help at home for her daughter’s medical needs amid her busy work schedule and she aims to “make everything normal.”
“It’s really tricky, because I don’t want Hope to get labeled. She’s a kid who is so vibrant, and most days everything is totally fine. I don’t want people to look at her differently,” Kotb continued.
View this post on Instagram
Kotb also admitted she is “not going to put my worry on her” as it’s “much for a kid to carry.” She revealed she often has trouble sleeping as she’s worried for her daughter, but she strives to not let her daughter feel her worries.
“Even just always saying, ‘How are you feeling? You feeling good today, honey?’ is saying, ‘I’m worried,’ because you’re not saying that about your other child. I’ll be discussing how it’s going with the nanny, the nurse, whoever, and if she’s there, she’s like, ‘Am I okay?’ I’m trying so hard to let her be a kid and not have all of the grown-up worries,” Kotb said.
Kotb now wakes up earlier to meditate before work, has her ex-fiance take their daughters to school a few days a week and her pick them up when she can.
And since caregiving is certainly not easy, Kotb makes it a point to see a friend or go on a date once a week to “recharge.” However, she also has faith in God and often tells her daughter He’s “everywhere.”
View this post on Instagram
While describing her daughter Hope to People, Kotb said she’s “just intuitive and smart.”
See explained, “I’ve never seen someone who’s quite as generous. She’s the kid who gives away her last blueberry. If your toy is broken, she’ll give you her new one. She is that person.”
Looking back on when she first named her youngest daughter, she said the name “defined where I was in my life when I was looking for hope.”
Hope was adopted in 2019, her second adoption. Kotb adds, “She was the hope that I’d been looking for and wanting. Sometimes you name a child, and then they become the name.”
The word hope as so much meaning to Kotb, as she also recently took to Instagram to share a quote about the word hope.
“If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenge that comes your way,” the post reads.
“Let it be hope that you are exactly where you want to be right now, and that you are on the path that you’re meant to be… Because during these times hope will be the only thing that will carry you through.”
Resilience: Staying Positive Despite Adversity
Hoda Kotb’s Inspiring Cancer & Fertility Journey
Hoda Kotb is a breast cancer survivor after being first diagnosed in 2007.
Her doctors discovered lumps in her breast tissue during a routine exam. She treated her breast cancer by undergoing a mastectomy, which means one of her breasts was removed. She then had breast reconstruction surgery, which rebuilds the shape and look of the breast.
WATCH: Things to consider when considering a mastectomy.
After surgery, the beloved news anchor continued her treatments by taking tamoxifen (Nolvadex) for five years. Tamoxifen is a selective estrogen receptor modulator, which means it works to prevent estrogen from helping cancer cells to grow.
It is also used to prevent breast cancer among women who are at high risk for breast cancer because of family history.
Some patients have side effects, many of which mimic menopause (like hot flashes), but they can be managed.
Kotb told “Prevention,” an online health news resource, in an earlier interview that she is cancer-free.
“Cancer shaped me, but it did not define me. It’s part of me, but not all of me,” Kotb previously said at the annual Breast Cancer Research Foundation New York Symposium and Awards Luncheon in 2017.
Kotb also dealt with fertility struggles following her breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.
“I remember that my oncologist called, and we were talking about freezing my eggs,” Kotb previously told Good Housekeeping. “She basically said that given my age and (my breast cancer treatment), it was pretty close to a dead-end.”
Her reaction was, understandably, filled with sorrow. And at that moment, she doubted she’d ever realize her dream of becoming a mother.
And she thanks her now ex-fiance for providing the support she needed to become a mother.
View this post on Instagram
“I don’t think I would’ve adopted if it hadn’t been for Joel,” she said of Schiffman, whom she split from after eight years together.
“Having a stable relationship in that moment was really important. Once that fell into place, it didn’t seem as scary to me.”
Health Challenges Can Bring Families Closer
As Kotb’s situation highlights, when someone in the home is severely ill or diagnosed with a disease or cancer, it impacts the entire family.
Research published in The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine studied the impact of disease on family members. It found, “Most chronic diseases have similar effects on family members including psychological and emotional functioning, disruption of leisure activities, effect on interpersonal relationships, and financial resources.”
Feelings of “helplessness, lack of control, guilt, anger, embarrassment” are some common emotions parents, siblings, and other relatives within the household of someone battling a health condition may experience according to researchers.
Other ways a disease, for example, may impact the lives of family members include:
- Affecting sleep
- Concerns about medical treatment
- Altered food choices
- Using religion, spiritual and cultural beliefs to cope
- Feeling obligated to provide a case
- Concerns about understanding the disease or illness
- Needing support from others
- Limited freedom
- Worrying about the death of a loved one
A study published in Health Expectations, an international journal of public participation in health care and health policy, says parents bear the brunt when a child is battling a health condition.
“Parents have substantial responsibilities, including advocating for their child,” researchers in the study said.
“[Parents] responsibilities have an enormous impact on the family: going out of the home becomes a challenge, there are constant constraints on time, parents are sleep-deprived and there are wider impacts on siblings,” researchers added.
Jayne Wexler’s son is a childhood cancer survivor and she explained to SurvivorNet the impact cancer can have on parents.
“When we were in the hospital we met a lot of couples, and a lot of people don’t stay together because they can handle this,” Jayne told SurvivorNet. “Fortunately, we [she and her husband] were very strong and we stayed together.”
Our experts agree that forming a strong support system between each other can help everyone cope with the challenges. These situations can be opportunities to strengthen families and bring them closer together.
And finding moments of joy or normalcy, like Kotb often finds with her daughters, whether that’s a hobby or a walk in the park are critical in helping you keep your body and mind healthy during the journey too.
Now when it comes to Hope, Kotb credits her resilience and strength for making it through.
“My daughters are strong women already. You know, my daughter, Hope had a health scare, but she’s getting better,” Kotb said in an earlier interview with The U.S. Sun.
And knowing what Kotb went through herself with breast cancer, it’s evident young Hope got her strength from her mom.
Coping as a Caregiver
When a loved one is going through a major health crisis and you suddenly find yourself filling the role of a caregiver, the lifestyle change can be jarring. Caregivers are often spouses, partners, adult children, parents, or trusted friends of the person living with cancer or coping with any type of health crisis. Many people welcome the role of caregiver and the opportunity to help out someone they care about deeply but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Filling a caregiver role can be extremely stressful and caregivers often neglect their own needs, which can create a host of additional problems.
RELATED: Check Out SurvivorNet’s Resources on Mental Health
So what can caregivers do to make sure they are healthy both mentally and physically as well? We spoke to doctors, patient advocates, spiritual leaders, and caregivers who have been through cancer with someone they love dearly to round up some of the best advice.
How to Handle the Emotional Toll of Caring for a Loved One: Prioritizing Your Mental Health
And if you need help with finances, we provide resources you can consider to cope with the cancer bills. If your loved one has just been diagnosed and you are just starting your journey as a caregiver, here are the first steps you should take.
Don’t Hold in Your Feelings
Watching someone you care about struggle with illness is difficult enough, but to be suddenly dealing with the responsibility of caring for them can make the situation that much harder particularly if you’re nervous you’re not qualified. While you, of course, want to do all you can for your loved one, it’s important to acknowledge your own needs as well.
“When you find yourself suddenly having to care for somebody, to be the primary lifeline for them, you very well could have mixed emotions,” Pastor Tom Evans, who cared for his own father as he went through Alzheimer’s, told SurvivorNet.
Expert Advice On Caregiving
- Caregiving: An Opportunity for Healing
- Caregiving Isn’t Easy; Recognize That You May Need Help
- ‘A Sacred and Blessed Calling’ – Managing Life As a Caregiver
- Caregivers Can’t Provide Optimal Care for Their Loved Ones with Cancer If They Don’t Care for Themselves
- Here Are Top Tips For Cancer Caregivers To Help Them Through The Process
- Where Cancer Caregivers Can Get Help With Finances: Coping With the Bills
“Maybe it’s anger. Maybe this person never cared for you in the past, and now you have to do it for them. And maybe you’re gonna feel like you’re selfish when you need a break.”
Pastor Tom Evans shares some advice for managing life as a caregiver.
Pastor Evans stressed that needing a break when you’re filling the role of caregiver is not selfish it should be expected. No one can be a caregiver 24/7, 365 days a year.
“So, you need to find time where you’re not doing that and where others are helping you,” he said. “In those frustrations and that anger, take time to find someone to express that to, whether it’s a friend, whether it’s a pastor, whether it’s a neighbor, because as you work that out of your system, you’ll be better able to be there for them.”
Try ‘Realistic Optimism’
Negative thought patterns can make already difficult situations more of a challenge to handle. There is real power in positivity. Of course, it’s easier said than done. Dr. Samantha Boardman, a New York-based psychiatrist, said when patients are struggling with some pervasive patterns of negative thinking, she often works with them to try to deconstruct that mindset.
“Take a look at your beliefs. Do you have any sort of fixed belief that may be counterproductive, that are impeding you from taking positive steps? So something that’s holding you back, thinking, oh, this always happens to me, or maybe this is something that’s always going to be haunting me, or following me,” Dr. Boardman explained.
Dismantling these negative patterns of thinking can help you to be happier with yourself and to be a better caregiver. Dr. Boardman refers to this mindset as being “realistically optimistic” about your situation.
Take Time for Yourself, Too
Everyone needs time for themselves and if you have been in the house caring for a loved one for weeks, or even months, it’s natural to begin to feel burdened. To avoid creating problems for your own health, try to take time for yourself as often as you can. This could be as simple as a 30-minute walk every morning, taking in a movie at a theatre a few times a month, or hitting the gym for a run once or twice a week.
Pastor Evans noted that trying to be a caregiver 24/7 will “break anybody.”
RELATED: Caregiving Can be an Opportunity for Healing
If you can’t, or don’t feel comfortable, leaving the person you are caring for alone for any significant amount of time, ask for help. Maybe you have a friend or family member who can relieve you of caregiving duties a few times a week so you can tend to your own needs.
If you are struggling to find someone to stay with the person you care for, your community may have options for respite care or sitter-companion services. These terms refer to someone who can come to your home, get to know the patient, and occasionally visit to relief you of caregiving duties for a short time.
Don’t Neglect Your Basic Needs
People who take on caregiving roles often find themselves neglecting their own basic needs. But you’ll be a better caregiver if you also prioritize caring for yourself. Taking care of your health whether that be with diet, exercise, or making time for activities you enjoy is still critically important.
Julie Bulger gives some tips on how caregivers can care for themselves.
“It is important to have some things that you can do that’s kind of outside of the focus of caring for somebody that you love with cancer,” Julie Bulger, manager of patient and family-centered care at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville, told SurvivorNet. Bulger suggested caregivers find some activities that help them relax like taking a walk or going for a massage.
“…there’s a lot of opportunities for support virtually through educational resources, support communities,” she added. “You can talk to somebody. You can get therapy virtually now.”
Seek Professional Help If You Need It
When a stressful life event occurs like a loved one being diagnosed with cancer people respond in a variety of ways.
“The way people respond is very variable,” Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik told SurvivorNet. “Very much consistent with how they respond to stresses and challenges in their life in general.”
When struggling with a new stressor, there are many different and healthy ways to cope. Some people may seek out traditional therapy and there should be no shame in that.
Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik discusses how people respond to stressors in different ways.
If you are struggling mentally due to the stress of caring for a loved one, there are many options that may be able to help you cope. These include:
- Seeking professional help from a psychiatrist or therapist
- Learning healthy coping skills
- Medication such as antidepressants
- Adding more physical activity to your routine
- Adjusting your sleep schedule
- Connecting with others via support groups
- Mindfulness and meditation
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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