Facing Cancer as a Parent
- Shenise Hardy, a 37-year-old mom of two from Texas, is looking back on her shocking breast cancer diagnosis—which she received just hours after giving birth to her second child. She praises the support and positivity offered by her husband, sister, mother-in-law, and children through that arduous time and is now feeling “really good” after completing chemotherapy, radiation, and undergoing partial mastectomy [partial surgical removal of a breast].
- Millions of people fighting cancer have relied on their partners for strength and love during their battle, and this support can make all the difference.
- Anyone battling cancer may find telling their children about their diagnosis to be a really difficult task. You want to be honest with them and you want them to be prepared for what might happen, but at the same time you want to protect them, and be as gentle as possible.
- “Having these conversations may bring up deep emotions you may have stowed away. There is nothing wrong with showing our emotions to children as long as we can remain calm and give them a sense of safety,” Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin said.
- Facing cancer as a parent can be an incredibly difficult task. But having children who depend on you can also provide another reason to fight the disease with everything you’ve got.
Hardy, who is also mom to her soon-to-be three-year-old daughter Zoe, told People magazine about her emotional cancer journey and how it left her “crying herself to sleep” after such a joyous day of birthing her son last November.
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“He was devastated too, because his mom is a breast cancer survivor. He was shocked. He didn’t say anything at first. He kept giving me kisses,” Hardy told People, recalling her husband turning to faith and suggesting they pray.
Hardy also noted that her husband called his mom when Hardy was asleep, to which he was reassured his wife “was going to be okay.”
“She was a big support too. I have a big village,” Hardy added.
It wasn’t until one week later that she met with her breast surgeon to talk about treatment—which entailed six months of chemotherapy starting in December 2023, followed by a partial mastectomy in June 2024, then a month of radiation treatment.
It’s important to note that a mastectomy is the removal of the entire breast during surgery. Hardy underwent a partial mastectomy. There are a number of factors to weigh when considering a mastectomy, chief among them is whether breast-conserving surgery (or lumpectomy) is possible. Your doctor will look at the size and features of your tumor as well as your family history in order to make a recommendation.
When Should You Consider a Mastectomy?
Hardy, who now insists she’s “doing really, really good,” ended up getting back to work two weeks after finishing radiation treatment, as she continued taking medication.
Throughout her cancer battle, Hardy says her husband was not only supportive, but also “positive even when I had moments of giving up.”
She told People, “He made sure we didn’t need for anything. He was right there. He was Mr. Mom. He definitely stepped up to the plate and was doing everything.”
Hardy also had her younger sister Kierra Perry telling her to keep fighting and that she was “going to make it” and her mother-in-law’s continuous words of praise.
She also admits her children helped her push through adversity and get busy, explaining, “If it went the other way, I didn’t want them to remember me being sick, staying in bed, not fighting. They kept me busy. I’m really thankful that I have them.
“I’m just really happy that I’m here to celebrate life. I feel like I have a second chance.”
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Support From Loved One’s During Health Challenges
Having a strong community around you, as Shenise Hardy does, between her husband and her loved ones, is ideal when challenged by health struggles.
Dealing with cancer or any sort of health battle for that matter can be overwhelming, so having physical and emotional support is crucial. That being said, it’s very important to know your limits on what you can handle as you undergo treatment and recover from your cancer, and that includes relationships.
“Going through [cancer] treatment is a very vulnerable and emotionally exhausting experience,” licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin wrote in a column for SurvivorNet.
“Noticing what you have strength for and what is feeling like too much, [is] extremely important to pay attention to as you navigate treatment.”
Helping Patients Cope with a Breast Cancer Diagnosis
Dr. Strongin does note, however, that having people by your side during this “arduous chapter” of your life can be hugely beneficial.
“Studies have found consistently that loneliness is a significant risk factor for physical and mental illnesses and the trajectory of recovery,” she wrote. “Therefore, it will be important that you surround yourself with individuals who care and support you throughout your treatment.”
Ovarian cancer survivor Beverly Reeves can also attest to the importance of support and a loving community amid fighting a disease.
‘Faith, Family, and Friends’ Helped Beverly Reeves Get Through Ovarian Cancer Treatment
“If I had one piece of advice for someone who had just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, it would be to get a strong support group together. Get your close friends. If you’re connected to a faith community, get your faith community,” Reeves told SurvivorNet in an earlier interview.
“Get your family. Let them know what’s going on and let them help you. And sometimes that’s the most difficult thing to do, but just know that they are there,” she continued. “If they love you, they’re there to help you. And don’t be embarrassed.”
“Because this is a cancer that not a lot of people want to talk about,” she said. “But it’s real and we need to talk about it, and we do need that help. So talk to your family and your friends and your faith community, and get that network together so they can support you and be there for you.”
How to Cope When a Spouse Is Diagnosed With Cancer
After a cancer diagnosis, emotions may run the gamut, and grappling with your feelings isn’t easy. While coping with caring for a loved one battling cancer, the spouse must also adjust to a new normal. Feelings ranging from anxiety, sadness, anger, regret, and more may linger. However, healthy ways to cope.
- Talk to a therapist and share feelings you’re going through
- Have an open conversation with your spouse about the diagnosis
- Research the disease and learn about available treatment options
- Join a support group or connect with others who have gone through, or are going through, the same experience
- Spend time with your spouse and have consistent conversations about how you both are feeling
Natalie Wells and Stephen Skip are another couple who shared the impact cancer had on their relationship. Wells was diagnosed with brain cancer. Thankfully, her husband joined her for the emotional rollercoaster after her diagnosis rocked their family.
WATCH: Natalie and Stephen’s relationship was tested amid cancer.
“These little trials and tribulations life throws at you give you a good perspective on appreciating the things you have and not wanting the tangible, physical, petty things that people worry about and stress over,” Skip told SurvivorNet in an earlier interview.
“[She’s] my best friend, my right hand. I couldn’t go on through life without [her]. I love her tremendously.”
Tips For Coping With Emotions & Fighting Cancer As a Parent
Coping with a diagnosis involves a range of emotions from anger to sadness and everything in between. Sarah Stapleton, a licensed clinical social worker, encourages cancer warriors and their families to be “patient with your emotions.”
It’s also important that you understand how you communicate with your providers, but also with your loved ones,” Stapleton said. “We can’t always assume that people know what we need at a given time, and there are going to be times when you don’t want to speak about your diagnosis and you don’t want to speak about cancer.
Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik previously explained to SurvivorNet some tips for cancer warriors and their caregivers for managing emotions after a diagnosis. She emphasized getting extra support from loved ones.
“Some people don’t need to go outside of their family and friend circle. They feel like they have enough support there,” Dr. Plutchik said. “But for people who feel like they need a little bit more, it is important to reach out to a mental health professional.”
“Patients who have just been diagnosed with cancer sometimes wonder how they are going to handle the diagnosis of the cancer in social situations,” Dr. Plutchik added. “How much information they should share and with whom they should share the information, everybody is different.”
Ultimately it comes down to what feels right. Loved ones supporting a cancer warrior are encouraged to respect the wishes of the cancer patient when it comes to disclosing their diagnosis.
Facing a Cancer Diagnosis as a Single Parent: “I Knew I Had to Fight for My Life”
Remember, opening up about cancer diagnosis with children can be really difficult task. You want to be honest with them and you want them to be prepared for what might happen, but at the same time you want to protect them, and be as gentle as possible.
Of course, not every parent feels comfortable sharing so much about their diagnosis with their children. Some survivors have even told us that they were afraid to tell their family members.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin encourages people with sick parents “to talk about your feelings with your immediate family as well as your parents.” She’s previously talked about the importance of expressing your feelings in her advice column for SurvivorNet.
“Talking about difficult things does not cause more anxiety,” Dr. Strongin said. “It is NOT talking about the very thing that we are all afraid or worried about that causes our body to feel dysregulated (unable to manage emotional responses or keep them within an acceptable range of typical emotional reactions) and anxious.”
Specifically, with patients who may be scared to talk to their children about a diagnosis, Strongin said children can pick up on their emotions, so it may help to check in with yourself beforehand.
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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