Losing a Loved One to Cancer
- Heather James, mother of the late BBC podcast host Deborah James, says she’ll celebrate her daughter this Christmas despite struggling with the grief.
- Deborah was first diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2015. But it took a long time for doctors to actually get her to the correct diagnosis despite having symptoms like a change in her bowel habits, losing weight, and passing blood. Her diagnosis was changed to stage four in 2016, and she passed away earlier this year.
- Before she died, Deborah raised more than $7 million for Cancer Research UK, got companies to print the signs and symptoms of bowel cancer on their toilet paper packaging, and raised crucial awareness for the disease.
Deborah died earlier this year after a courageous battle with bowel cancer that spanned nearly six years. She was only 40 years old.
Read More“I think [the holidays are] hard for anybody that’s lost anybody,” she said. “But Deborah loved Christmas; she was so into it the build up to it, the enthusiasm, the sparkles.
“And have I got that energy? I try, for her. Part of me would like to not do it but that’s not what she wanted.”
As she continued, Heather talked about making an effort to keep some of Deborah’s favorite Christmas traditions alive.
“We made, tried to make, table decorations last week, and I did it with my other daughter and my future daughter in law,” she shared. “We cracked open the champagne I drank most of it. And I knew Deb would say, ‘Mum that's great you are doing this.'”
Heather admits there are times she doesn’t feel festive at all given her heartbreaking loss, but that won’t stop her from honoring Deborah during a time she loved so much.
“Part of me would like to just hide and not do it, that’s not what we’re going to do,” she said. “We’re going to celebrate Deborah.”
Deborah James’ Cancer Battle
Deborah James was first diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2015, but it took a long time for doctors to actually get her to the correct diagnosis.
“I’m the perfect example of a text book hypochondriac, one that immediately think dizziness means a brain tumor, a cough means lung cancer, and blood in the stools means bowel cancer. However years of CBT has meant that I’ve learnt to rationalize every ailment including the last year of a change in bowel habits that I put down to too much wine, a new job and stress of trying to be that full time working ‘super mum,'” Deborah said in 2017. “If only for once someone believed me earlier that I wasn’t ‘crying wolf’ when in my normal nervous GP ‘question time’ I tell the doctor I think I have bowel cancer I’m actually laughed at not once but three times over the course of six months!
“Despite being reassured on numerous occasions that I must have IBS, hemorrhoids or worse case colitis, my blood tests and stool sample came back ‘normal’ so everything must be fine!”
Still, Deborah was “losing weight, passing blood, going what felt like 100 times per day and feeling shattered” despite everyone telling her she was fine.
“I knew there was something wrong with me, a sixth sense if you will, because for the first time I was afraid, very afraid about taking this further,” she said. “Fed up with waiting for a referral, I’m lucky I was able to take myself off privately to have a colonoscopy.
“Being so scared however, I made sure I went skiing, had finished the school term and bumped three appointments just because something was telling me this might change everything.”
Stage Four Colon Cancer: "Not All Patients are the Same"
Sadly, she was right. At the time of her diagnosis, she was considered stage three, though her disease progressed to stage four by 2016.
She underwent treatments for quite some time, but she passed away on June 28 after speaking publicly about receiving end of life care.
Throughout it all, however, Deborah refused to focus on the negative. She heroically used her platform to make a difference instead. In an effort to educate others about the disease and raise crucial funds, she dubbed herself the "Bowel Babe" and shared the details of her journey via social media, her BBC podcast “You, Me and the Big C” and articles for The Sun.
In the final weeks of her life, she raised more than $7 million for Cancer Research UK. And she even got multiple companies to print the signs and symptoms of bowel cancer on their toilet paper packaging.
Losing a Loved One to Cancer
Grief is an inevitable and essential part of the healing process after losing a loved one to cancer. And there's definitely no one way to cope, but Doug Wendt shared his thoughts on grief in a previous interview with SurvivorNet after losing his wife Alice to ovarian cancer.
"We're never gonna move on, I don't even think I want to move on, but I do want to move forward," Wendt said. "That's an important distinction, and I encourage anybody who goes through this journey as a caregiver and then has to face loss, to think very carefully about how to move forward."
Everyone's journey of grief looks different, but therapy and support groups can also be wonderful options to explore. It's also important to keep in mind that time does not heal everything, but it certainly helps.
In an earlier interview with SurvivorNet, Camila Legaspi shared her own advice on grief after her mother died of breast cancer. For her, therapy made all the difference.
"Therapy Saved My Life": After Losing A Loved One, Don't Be Afraid To Ask For Help
"Therapy saved my life," Legaspi said. "I was dealing with some really intense anxiety and depression at that point. It just changed my life, because I was so drained by all the negativity that was going on. Going to a therapist helped me realize that there was still so much out there for me, that I still had my family, that I still had my siblings."
Legaspi also wanted to remind people that even though it can be an incredibly difficult experience to process, things will get better.
"When you lose someone, it's really, really, really hard," Legaspi said. "I'm so happy that I talked to my therapist. Keep your chin up, and it's going to be OK. No matter what happens, it's going to be OK."
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