A First Orgasm at 39, Like Rebel Wilson, How Women Can Find Pleasure and Recapture Self-Esteem

“I truly experienced an orgasm for the first time at 39 just by myself,” the Sydney, Australia native wrote, noting that the self-love milestone came after listening to some podcasts online and splurging on some sex toys. “Is this what I’m missing out on?”

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“I’d never really learned about orgasms,” Wilson continued. “When I’d had sex over the past few years, I’d never really thought about my pleasure. It was more about the guy climaxing, and then pretty quickly sex was over. And while I had experienced pleasure, I don’t think at this point I’d truly had an orgasm. I might’ve though I had….”

The Pitch Perfect star, who also noted didn’t lose her virginity until age 35, says she discusses these topics to send an encouraging message to other late bloomers out there.

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“People can wait till they’re ready or wait till they’re a bit more mature,” said Wilson. “And I think that could be a positive message. You obviously don’t have to wait until you’re in your 30s like me, but you shouldn’t feel pressure as a young person.”

Sex Can Get More Comfortable with Age

Many people get more comfortable with their sexuality as they age, perhaps because there can be less nervousness or pressure, and they’ve also been living in their own skin long enough to know what turns them on (or off).

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“Sex gets better with age. I know my body and what it wants and needs,” two-time cancer survivor Anne Thureson shared with SurvivorNet in an earlier interview.

“Besides how wonderful sex feels, I embrace its health benefits. During orgasm, the brain releases dopamine and other neurotransmitters that’s physically and mentally healthy. Having a great sex partner who engages with me at least three times a week is just fabulous,” she said.

Regaining Sexual Confidence After Cancer

While it’s incredibly inspiring that Thureson feels so free with herself sexually, especially after cancer, not all survivors are there yet.

There can be many post-treatment side effects, both physically and emotionally. And sex, understandably, may not be high up on the priority list.

“Both doctors and female cancer patients need to advocate for directing more attention towards sexual function during and after treatment,” Dr. Dana Chase, a gynecologic oncologist at Arizona Oncology East Valley Cancer Center in Tempe, previously told SurvivorNet.

“Female sexual function is often multi-faceted and involves complexities such as body image, mood, and anatomical and hormonal changes. ”

Cindi Cantril, nurse navigator, talks sexual health after ovarian cancer

“The bottom line is that sexual function during and after cancer treatment is not adequately addressed,” Dr. Chase added. “Both doctors and patients should be encouraged to discuss these issues.”

RELATED: Women are Less Likely Than Men to Get Help for Sexual Dysfunction After Cancer Treatment

For the survivors who would like help navigating through some of those sexual side effects (which can include painful pelvic scar tissue, decreased sensation, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, meshing of the vaginal canal), SurvivorNet enlisted the help of wellness expert Sera Bonds to suggest some accessories to make you more comfortable in your quest for sexual rebirth.

Reclaiming Sexual Desire

“I think what sex toys and sex tech offer is a reimaging of how we are sexual,” says Bonds, an activist committed to raising awareness about better options for sexual healing. “For folks who have gone through cancer treatment, there is trauma, fear, and a very real change in the biology of how their bodies function. This can all be processed through the newness that toys and tech offer.”

The Best Love Products for Survivors

Here is SurvivorNet’s guide to some sex products (and tips) that you may want to consider experimenting with.

• Dilators. Due to pelvic tissue scarring and meshing of the vaginal canal, the length of the vaginal canal may actually shorten during cancer treatment, causing painful penetrative sex. If penetrative sex is an important part of your bedroom routine, dilators are your friend. Dilators come in a variety of shapes, sizes and rigidity for different needs. By using as much lubrication as necessary (we’ll get to lubrication shortly), users can insert the dilator while tensing and relaxing the kegel muscles. As the use of the dilator becomes more and more comfortable, users can increase the size of the dilator, working up to partnered penetrative sex. CalExoctic, a manufacturer of adult toys, created a full line of toys specifically for survivors of breast cancer, including a set of dilators (bonus: a portion of the proceeds benefits Living Beyond Breast Cancer).
• Lubricant. But wait! Lube is commonplace! Wrong. Despite taking up residency in nightstands everywhere, lube is an often-neglected sexual accessory that makes penetrative sex more comfortable and pleasurable for all parties involved. Unfortunately, many people with vaginas feel that if they have to use lubricant, they have failed as a sexual partner. In one survey of adult women, 73 percent of participants said they experienced discomfort due to vaginal dryness during penetration, but only 34 percent said they would use lube. For cancer survivors who experience vaginal dryness, the shame increases. It’s time to destigmatize lubricant and make use of all sexual tools at our disposal, shame-free. When choosing a lubricant, stay away from perfumes, artificial coloring, flavors and spermicide that may irritate sensitive genital tissue and opt for a water-based gel.
• Male vibrators. Despite the common misconception, vibrators are not exclusively for women (nor does enjoying them diminish your masculinity). Indeed vibrators can improve nerve function in the genitals by increasing blood flow to the penis, minimizing shrinkage of soft genital tissue. Viberect (the only vibrator that is FDA-approved to treat erectile dysfunction) is designed specifically for male cancer survivors to induce arousal before activity. The vibrating penile ring, which sits at the base of the penis and can be used for partnered or solo play, is another popular choice for male stimulation designed for longer-lasting erections and more powerful orgasms.
• Vaginal and clitoral vibrators. Unfortunately, less research has been dedicated to the study of sexual recovery for female cancer survivors. However, the principles that apply to erectile recovery likely also apply to reducing vaginal tissue shrinkage and regaining sensitivity to the genitals through blood flow. This increased blood flow may also help to maintain and increase the elasticity of the vaginal canal and promote self-lubrication. To increase sensitivity, opt for an external vibrator as opposed to a penis-shaped vibrator that is intended to be inserted into the vagina.
• Pleasure ring. For many cancer survivors, all the lubricant in the world doesn’t change the fact that deep penetration is just no longer on the menu. But that doesn’t mean you have to abandon penetrative sex altogether (if that is a form of intimacy you crave). The Pleasure Ring sits on the base of the penis and is designed to contain penetrative sex to a range that is comfortable and pleasurable for those who experience pain from deep penetration.
• Penis sleeves. Penis sleeves simulate penetrative sex when the real thing is not an option. The sleeve fits around the penis and mimics the feeling of vaginal penetration through texture and lubrication. Sleeves are a great tool for those who have lost manual dexterity due to cancer treatment and find manual masturbation challenging.
  Looking to spice things up? As the founder of a sex-positive sex shop, Sera has some straightforward advice for that, too.

Start with the things that look safe to you. You, and only you, get to define that. Move on from there, and just don’t overthink it!

Many survivors derive sexual freedom from power play. If you suffer from fatigue during sex, allowing your partner to assume a more dominant role may allow you to relax and refocus on your own pleasure, not a performance of pleasure.

Conversely, assuming a more dominant role yourself may empower you with the knowledge that you control the sensations you experience and the depth of penetration (of course, in any consensual sexual encounter, you always have control).

The Kinkiest Tool of All? Communication.

For cancer survivors, changes to their body and sexuality can feel like a loss. It is perfectly normal (and sometimes necessary) to mourn the sexual activity that once brought you joy but is no longer accessible. But what if you reimagined these changes, not as a loss, but as a fulfilling and exciting new chapter in your sex life?

Toys and sex tech provide the opportunity to get more creative than you ever have before. All you have to do is communicate. Never be afraid to tell your partner what does and does not feel good. Be bold about sharing your fears but also your fantasies and desires. Now is the time.

In the words of Sera Bonds:

“Check your judgments, biases, and fears at the door and imagine a new pathway towards pleasure for yourself. It’s yours for the taking!”

Contributing by Abbi Havens who wrote SurvivorNet’s sex product guide.

 

 

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